When you sit down with the person with whom you are in conflict, what you say and how you say it makes a big difference in the outcome. Here are a couple of tips from the work of Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D. and his years of experience with Nonviolent Communication (NVC). It is sometimes referred to as compassionate communication. Its purpose is to strengthen our ability to inspire compassion from others, and to respond compassionately to others and to ourselves. Tips:
- Use empathy to defuse anger.
Here are some meaningful quotes from Rosenberg’s “Nonviolent Communication – A Language of Compassion”:
--> “Empathize, rather than put your “but” in the face of an angry person” (P.96)
In any conflict it is easy to zero straight in on asserting your opinion and meeting every opposing opinion with a “but”--- "But if you had just asked me, it wouldn’t have been such a big deal.” Or: “But what about you? You weren’t any more logical than I was.” Or: “That’s fine for you, but it isn’t fair to me.” A good place to start any conflict resolution process is to bite your tongue. Actually try to tune into what was happening for the other person. Someone once said that whoever feels they are a more right in an argument should be the first one to reach out to the other person.
--> “When we listen for their feelings and needs, we no longer see people as monsters.”
The universal human experience is that we all have feelings and needs. Even the most obnoxious behavior and aggressive language arises from feelings and needs we have all experienced. The recognition of these feelings and the fulfilling of these needs is what all people crave.
--> “Listen to what people are needing rather than what they are thinking about us.”
It is not easy, when under verbal or even physical attack, to focus on the other person. It is a natural impulse to defend ourselves. But a way to do that is to actually believe in your integrity, and then focus your energy on what universal needs are unfulfilled for this person right now? Can you see the “monstrous” behavior as if it comes from a helpless child crying out for help to get their needs met?
--> “Violence in any form is the tragic expression of our unmet needs” (P.78)
The tragedy of verbal or physical violence is that it usually induces a violent reaction in the other person. He/she is now sadly even less likely to want to resolve disagreements, let alone reach out to help fulfill the unmet universal human needs of the attacking person. Yet it is these needs that fuels the violence in the first place. If these could only be acknowledged, appreciated and addressed, the power of the conflict would dissipate.
- No matter what others say, only hear what they are feeling and needing.
Just to make sure we are on the same page, a brief review of feelings and needs is in order. Feelings and needs are one-word universal human experiences. Feelings like: joyful, happy, sad, frightened, satisfied, excited, anxious, scared, angry, hurt, reassured etc.
Needs like the universal human need for: love, acceptance, appreciation, safety, security, peace, serenity, excitement, novelty, stimulation, nurturance, recognition etc.
Feelings are not: “I feel you are the most arrogant person I know.” That is actually an opinion or a judgment. Or: “You feel like you are a bit scattered and disorganized to me.” That’s another judgment. Judgments turn people off and away from conflict resolution.
Needs are not: “I need you to be more responsible.” That is a request or desire or directive. Or: “You need to slow down and think before you act. You’re too impulsive.” That is a judgment again.
