Meth Addicts Demand Government Address Nation's Growing Spider Menace

From the Onion:

Following the tragic falling death of 32-year-old methamphetamine addict Phillip Diggs, who was reportedly attacked by spiders while scaling a large construction crane near Palo Alto, CA, thousands of outraged and confused meth addicts marched frenetically on Washington as part of a week of activities urging the federal government to address the nation's growing spider epidemic.

"Something needs to be done and it needs to be done soon—these spiders are everywhere," said Rich Harlowe, event organizer and founder of Tweakers' Rights NowNowNowNowNowNowNowNowNow!, in testimony before a Senate committee Tuesday. "The government must address this problem before the situation gets out of hand and these poisonous, acid-shooting spiders develop the powers of mind control or—God forbid—flight."

"America cannot afford to ignore this any crisis any longer," Harlowe added.

The rally drew addicts from every part of the country, many traveling on foot through the night, trading sex with truck drivers for rides, or stealing their brothers-in-law's bicycles. At dozens of rambling public speeches, organizers decried the fact that it took the spider-related death of an innocent meth addict to raise awareness of the issue, while lauding the bravery of meth addicts, and methamphetamines themselves.

A 45,000-word proposal was drafted by members of TRN during a marathon, 72-hour meeting under the Roosevelt Bridge, and presented twice to the Senate Indian Affairs Committee. The document, which includes schematics for the development of a giant "spider bomb" the size of Rhode Island, concludes repeatedly that the problem would best be combated with large quantities of methamphetamines and steel wool.
Meth Addicts Jump

"This very morning, I saw a small child completely covered in hairy, bloodsucking, screaming tarantulas while his parents stood by and did nothing," said protester Joe Lopez, pausing to spit out a black and decayed tooth. "I was appalled. I shouted horrible profanities and incantations at them, but they ignored me."

"I, I, I don't—this is just, just, just—I, I, I—guh, ah," he added.